I'm sitting in the temporary home of Balzac's Coffee Roasters location in the Distillery District of Toronto, Ontario on a trip I am taking alone and using for personal time to clear my head. I've been sitting here for 25 minutes trying to determine which of the many topics in this series I want to write about first. The amount of time I have spent thinking about this has answered my question for me. Why did it take me 25 minutes to decide? Why do I feel the need to write about everything in my life?
I am an analytical person by nature, I think about every possible (mostly negative) outcome of every experience, event, interaction, or decision in my life. Being analytical is desirable skill when looking for a job, it seems analytical thinkers are in high demand in the business world. While being analytical will help me in the long run in my career it has dramatically stunted my growth as a person.
Being over-analytical about my position in the world, my true potential, my possibilities for achieving happiness, or having a fulfilling romantic relationship has put false limits in my head about what is actually possible for me as a person and scared me away from anything that would resemble actual progress. Essentially, it has significantly contributed to my issues with self-esteem. I am, overall, down on myself, and it takes a lot for me to be bullish on myself.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm a worthless human, in fact in some cases I am arrogant prick. Professionally, I have simply grown complacent, I believe I have the ability to achieve great things. I'm only in my current job still because I am really good at it and am intimidated by moving into a position where I am not the best right away. I am scared of not being the best, and if I don't think I can be the absolute best, I don't even take the opportunity. I am closest to being able to overcome this flaw, as I understand it is a ridiculous concept. I hope to move past this way of thinking in short order and feel I will.
My largest weaknesses with self esteem are in the personal arena, as will be examined much more thoroughly throughout this series. Among other things, I struggle with being too fat, being too ugly, being too uptight, and being too arrogant, but most of all I struggle with today's cardinal sin: caring what others think. I care way too much what others think, I analyze what everyone else is thinking before I even turn my attention to my personal well-being. The first step of overcoming issues with self-esteem is not giving a shit what others think. But truthfully, does anyone not care what others think? If you have achieved this enlightenment, impart your wisdom?
Overcoming these issues that I struggle with and other general life improvements is what this series is going to be about. In some sick way I am going to over-analyze every aspect of my life to hopefully realize I can stop over analyzing every aspect of my life. I hope I have fully set expectations and explained my motivations, I couldn't handle anyone misunderstanding! Wish me luck.